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My life since I got divorced a few years ago has felt like a series of what people in my life like to call “fresh starts”. In 3 years, I’ve moved 8 (soon to be 9) times. I definitely learned quickly that I’m better at adapting to uncomfortable situations than I ever thought possible. 

But I’m sick of fresh starts. Like any young single adult facing a self-proclaimed quarter life crisis, I’ve craved stability, and felt its void. I’ve felt drawn towards going back to Arizona, but couldn’t commit to making that choice. As my wise friend Sam pointed out to me, by not making that decision, my choice by default was to stay in Utah. I suppose that the thought of going home felt like a betrayal to the person I’ve fought so hard to become in this past year. 

I couldn’t shake the thought of leaving though, so for weeks, I prayed. I made list after list after list of pros and cons. I struggled to feel peace with either decision. I would decide to go and feel instant anxiety. I would decide to stay and immediately think of every reason not to. How many years of only seeing my family every 6 months could I take? Why delay the inevitable, when I know Arizona is where I want to belong? Snow is the worst. How can I leave, though, and walk away from everything I’ve worked so hard for here?

This went on for longer than I care to admit. I’m not proud of the amount of times I broke down, or the amount of people I forced to listen to my pros and cons list. That was the hardest part – realizing that this decision had to come from me, and nobody else’s opinion could influence it. 

Then one day a couple of weeks ago, I was thrown into yet another uncomfortable situation, that essentially gave me no choice but to make a decision and run fast with it. Long story short (that’s a joke, because this post is so wordy), I decided to move home. Though the decision was difficult, things immediately began to fall into place. Peace no longer eluded me. 

So, here I go again, off to another “fresh start.” I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know where my life is going to go. It is taking every ounce of faith that I have to take this step. I’m taking it, though, so Arizona – get ready for me. I’m coming for you.

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Utah-versary

I’m not a blogger, by any means. I’m lazy, I can never think of good content, etc. But my heart is so full of emotions tonight, that I knew I needed to document them. (Seriously, I’m so bad at this that I don’t even know how to add photos – so this is going to be one long and boring read. And I realize most people wouldn’t get this emotional over this kind of thing, so bear with me.)

A year ago tonight, I was packing everything I owned into my little Honda, getting a father’s blessing, laughing until I cried with Kelsey and Heather, then laying in bed wide awake all night with the realization that I was going to be leaving everything I knew the next morning. I think I slept maybe 45 minutes that night, until my alarm went off at 3:45 AM to make my first solo road trip. 11 hours, with all of my belongings, a plethora of mixed CDs from all of my friends, and really no idea of what the next year would bring me, or even the next month. 

People ask me a lot why I moved to Utah, and I don’t really have an answer for them. I usually say something along the lines of “I needed a change of scenery and took a job on a whim, blah blah blah.” I don’t know what lit the fire underneath me to uproot my life and come to this beautiful place, but I know that it has been one of the hardest and best things I’ve ever done.

In the last year, I’ve gained relationships and formed bonds that are stronger than I thought possible. I’ve lost relationships that I didn’t realize weren’t strong enough to weather the distance. I’ve been blessed with friendships that have somehow thrived despite a 601 mile gap.

I learned how to drive in snow, yet never failed to sob every time I had to. (Side note: I never learned to like snow, and I NEVER WILL.)

I gained a knowledge that being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely, and that I even enjoy the quiet calm that comes with taking time for myself. I lost the feeling of obligation to always say yes, even when it’s not best for me.

I bought a hedgehog. It’s only been 3 weeks, but he hasn’t died yet. *knock on wood*

I spontaneously sold my car, got my first car loan, bought a manual, and then learned how to drive said manual by cruising around town for 2 days straight. And by cruising, I mean stalling, rolling backwards down hills, and having anxiety attacks. 

I realized exactly how much my family matters to me. *insert Family Matters theme song here.*

In this year away from everything I know and the people that know me the most, I’ve learned who I am. I’ve grown and changed and have found aspects of myself that I have fallen in love with, and allowed myself to let go of some things that were holding me down. I’ve done things that I never thought possible and felt a strong sense of pride in how independent I’ve become. I would be lying if I said I’m not terrified of what the next year will bring. I definitely can’t say that I don’t think almost daily about if and when I should move home. But that being said, I’ve slowly but surely began to understand that it is a blessing to have people to know, love, and miss in both Arizona and Utah. Because of that, I can always call either place home. And that’s a good feeling to have.

Have Utah-versary to me. And I guess Happy 4th of July, too. 

 

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