My life since I got divorced a few years ago has felt like a series of what people in my life like to call “fresh starts”. In 3 years, I’ve moved 8 (soon to be 9) times. I definitely learned quickly that I’m better at adapting to uncomfortable situations than I ever thought possible.
But I’m sick of fresh starts. Like any young single adult facing a self-proclaimed quarter life crisis, I’ve craved stability, and felt its void. I’ve felt drawn towards going back to Arizona, but couldn’t commit to making that choice. As my wise friend Sam pointed out to me, by not making that decision, my choice by default was to stay in Utah. I suppose that the thought of going home felt like a betrayal to the person I’ve fought so hard to become in this past year.
I couldn’t shake the thought of leaving though, so for weeks, I prayed. I made list after list after list of pros and cons. I struggled to feel peace with either decision. I would decide to go and feel instant anxiety. I would decide to stay and immediately think of every reason not to. How many years of only seeing my family every 6 months could I take? Why delay the inevitable, when I know Arizona is where I want to belong? Snow is the worst. How can I leave, though, and walk away from everything I’ve worked so hard for here?
This went on for longer than I care to admit. I’m not proud of the amount of times I broke down, or the amount of people I forced to listen to my pros and cons list. That was the hardest part – realizing that this decision had to come from me, and nobody else’s opinion could influence it.
Then one day a couple of weeks ago, I was thrown into yet another uncomfortable situation, that essentially gave me no choice but to make a decision and run fast with it. Long story short (that’s a joke, because this post is so wordy), I decided to move home. Though the decision was difficult, things immediately began to fall into place. Peace no longer eluded me.
So, here I go again, off to another “fresh start.” I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know where my life is going to go. It is taking every ounce of faith that I have to take this step. I’m taking it, though, so Arizona – get ready for me. I’m coming for you.